Ross House Photographs
First Step – Poems
She was a fast flowing river
Wild, happy and free, following her own direction.
He was the quiet volcano
An angry eruption beneath the surface, waiting to explode.
She twisted and turned, tried to bend and adapt to the new landscape of him and her.
He forced changes in her direction and sought to control her natural flow.
Until he became the new landscape moulded by his angry lava’s flow.
She became a still pond.
His fiery rage surrounded her.
Over time she became a muddy puddle,
Overshadowed by his grand canyon.
But her rain of tears refilled every lost drop of her dream to be an ocean.
And as much as he tried to recreate her as a desert,
She never lost her will to flow wild and free once more.
– And his high mountains began to fall. She created waves of freedom,
Tumbling over the rocky dam he built to stagnate and control her flow.
She became a stream, a river
Then an ocean.
And he lost the power to contain her as she rebuilt a new landscape of her own.
Until now . . .
Silent tears and empty years,
Unhealing pain and sinful shame,
Soundless screams and haunting dreams.
Shattered trust and self-disgust,
My living hell and no voice to tell
Until NOW !!!
All the things . . .
All the things you do
Prove it’s too late for you;
So painful to know that
I have lost so much:
I thought ‘Much’ was real.
All I ever wanted was you,
You from the beginning
Day by day goes by …
Day by day goes by
And I try to remember bad
So, it’s harder to remember good
Sometimes it’s really hard
It’s hard to stop feelings for you
Only if you could understand and change
But you can’t
We are impossible
It’s too late
I need to stay away to keep sane.
You’re sat there …
You’re sat there in front of me,
And all I can see is your face.
The world around me is quiet;
But as quick as I say this, I’m also reminded
That I’m full of hatred, and my vision is blinded;
This fire burns so hot it threatens my being,
Thinking about everything you’ve done and I’m lying there seething.
Like on my birthing bed, telling me you still loved me.
Filling me full of lies that hurt my head,
But in the same breath you couldn’t wait to get shut of me.
Telling me that you’re so proud of me;
But then telling me that I’m scum, and that my child shouldn’t be with me.
This isn’t love.
This is abuse.
But I know, that if you were to click your fingers, I’d probably come running back.
So, what’s the use? You’ve broken my very soul, after promising to make me whole.
I may only be young and have no experience of the world;
But I’ve fallen far enough to know that it’s never been all sunshine and gold.
The cheating, stealing and lies you spewed; left me isolated and ripped in two.
I’ve been left with nothing– except a boxroom in my mum’s house
that I share with the best thing to come from this hell.
So, I lay there at night and contemplate my life; and I think about all the strife.
I’m reminded that this is only temporary;
I’m here and breathing, that’s surely got to count for something?
Once upon a time . . .
Once upon a time, there was a young innocent flower… She was bright and beautiful and stood tall and strong in her peaceful little garden.
Then came a man, who plucked the flower from her comfortable earthy bed, because he decided he wanted the little flower for himself. He stole something from her that can never be given back.
Even though this man knew it was illegal to pick wildflowers, he did so anyway, and the helpless little flower changed forever, and so did the garden where she lived. She slowly and silently started to wilt, and the garden around her seemed darker and less beautiful.
The man dropped the flower once he was finished with her, when she was no longer untouched and perfect.
Against all odds from that fall, when she hit the ground, she managed to re-grow her roots, in fresh soil, deeper and stronger than before, and through the storms and rain, she managed to stand tall in her garden again.
My poem …
Because I cared I took the rap,
It wasn’t just because I fell into his trap.
I ran and ran and took the drop even when I lost my flop.
I stood tall so I wouldn’t fall, I wouldn’t let my children fall.
I will protect them always because they mean the world to me,
Don’t mess with my world or you will be unseen and no more.
So, when you think its OK to be a twit, think who gives a shit.
I am loyal you make my blood boil, go jump and remember….
How I loved you once and smile and feel, I am loved once more.
Time to move on…
I wonder what today will bring, and on a dove’s wing what will it bring,
Happiness or sadness, however I wish myself all the best,
Time is just a test
Time to move on…. Job done!!!!
Being in touch with my son and daughter is bringing my grandson to come lots of joy and laughter.
What is done is done, it’s time to move on.
To the one I once loved, where have the happy years gone,
good times and bad times, it’s time to all move on!!
Right Now …
Right now, sadness fills my soul
Feeling so trapped and lost.
My mind is spinning out of control
I must find my way, whatever the cost.
Right now, I feel there’s no way out.
I’m stuck in this house, unable to leave,
My heart is broken, there is no doubt
But soon, I know my plan will set me free.
Right now, this is my life,
One I never thought would be mine.
We are supposed to be husband and wife
Yet the way you treat me, surely you know it’s a crime.
Right now, all I feel is shame—
How could I let this happen to me?
Your words and anger fill me with so much pain
But soon, it’ll be over, that I do foresee.
Right now, I have to stay strong,
Focus on me, myself and I,
For I am not the one in the wrong
No matter how many times you’ve made me cry.
Right now, I try to feel happy,
Happy that I have become strong.
Now is the time to be sly and savvy
For in your arms, is now not where I belong.
Right now, I think about my future,
One that no longer includes you;
I am finally ready for a new adventure,
And one day, it will be with someone new.
Right now, all I do is think and pray
Thank God that I have my cat,
Bella Who loves and comforts me every day
She will always be in my life, now and forever
Moving forward …
He destroyed my trust
He destroyed my beliefs
He destroyed my dream,
My love, my peace.
But I have my son, my home
And I am getting content…
I wish …
I wish I had an on/off button
In my heart and head,
And not allow you to hurt me again,
To make me feel low, shaky and with no air to breathe.
How can you feel satisfied when hurting someone you said you loved?
Why do you feel big when hurting me?
I don’t understand.
Job Done …
Days turn to weeks, months, then years later still seems like days.
My life on hold, the person you once loved is like a stranger before you – told your secrets and worries to, just to be held against you later on.
Distanced from everyone you have always loved and have loved you; that makes him happy. JOB DONE.
My butterfly is sad, what am I to do
Her colours were so vibrant, now they are grey and blue.
My butterfly is angry, my butterfly is blue,
No-one can make her see what she is doing to herself—
What am I to do?
My Butterfly I miss your shining smile;
Remember when we would sit and just talk a while.
I know you’re sad so deep inside but the cavern has become so wide.
Go regain your colours and be happy my precious butterfly,
You are the centre of my world, your adventure is about to come.
Just remember my precious butterfly
I’m not your enemy, I’m your mum.
So many good things …
So many good things have happened recently
The longing and pain
Don’t let happiness overtake.
I can’t feel happy
But I don’t feel emptiness.
Heavy pain in my chest squashing me inside,
I am awaiting
More hurtful words, more hurtful actions
To make difficult or even impossible.
It doesn’t allow me to be happy;
I wish everything worked out,
I wish he could be who he is not,
I wish we were together
But I know I can’t. . .
Never ending levitation.
I sit and wait … where did he go?
I sit and wait at my window to see you
But there is an imposter in your place;
He is vile and cruel and so cruel,
He broke me, he tore my heart and soul to shreds
But now I will fight and be my own f***ing hero.
That imposter who took your place is locked away forever and a day,
And I will make sure we heal with strength and grace,
But I will always wonder why that imposter took your place
What did he do with the man I loved?
It’s My 6th Birthday!
It’s my Birthday, my 6th birthday,
I am bigger, older and wiser now,
No-one messes with me or my sisters or my mum!
Sorry dad you hurt my mum, you need to go and run.
There is just no need for your selfish ways, go and lead another family astray.
No-way I say will you hurt us no more,
I am the man now so go and split!
Cause it’s my birthday I am 6
Wow! Pow! 6-6-6 I am, so leave me be happy with mum and sisters.
Chow for now brown cow.
My Baby …
How do you love a person who never got to be?
Or try again to see a face you never got to see?
How do you mourn a death of one who never got to live?
When there is nothing to feel good about and nothing to forgive?
I Love you little baby
You’re a person of the wind
Free to be the memory of all that might have been.
I love you little baby
My companion of the night wandering through my lonely hours beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to have never been born?
To live the lovely night of life and never see the dawn?
My little baby lived like anyone!
Life is like a burst of joy and pain and then like yours its done.
I love you little baby as if you had lived for years
NO MORE NO LESS I THINK OF YOU, THE ANGEL OF MY TEARS
Undo the hurt, the darkness, the negative labels,
Undo the bruises, the kicks, the heartache,
Undo the years of tears, the FEAR,
Undo the constant struggle to stay sane,
Undo the ”fight or flight” automatic response,
Undo the love versus loyalty dilemma,
Undo the silence up, know your truth
And don’t feel the need to hide your story any more,
Undo, the damage, see the beauty in your brokenness and heal,
Undo the sadness held as a constant and let in the happiness owed,
Undo the love that harmed and find the love that heals beginning with self-love,
Undo…undo…undo and be you
Once I was lost, now I am found.
I thought it was love, until he struck me, threw me and took all I had.
He kicked me, punched me and bloody hit my kids.
Forgive him God he is not well.
Give him power to get well and make a woman happy, have kids and be good.
Once he rocked my world and I thought I had it all,
Pfft I was wrong, he’s the abuser, he made me sad.
He broke me, now I am bigger, better and stronger than before. Love you loads. Thanks for giving me another chance, Amen.
Children’s Activity Chinese New Year